Canadian Politics: Abridged
Being disdainful of Albertans/Ontarians/Quebeckers. (varies by region)
Being condescending towards Americans.
Not understanding how the parliamentary system works.
Not caring how the parliamentary system works.
Watching the CBC.
Complaining about the CBC.
Complaining about hockey.
Watching American news.
Intermittently putting on intentionally terrible southern accents for comic effect whilst talking about American politics.
Using hockey metaphors when talking about politics.
Using hockey metaphors when talking about the weather.
Using hockey metaphors when talking about hockey.
Not knowing who your MP is.
Complaining about the weather.
Complaining about all levels of government.
Collecting Canadian Tire money.
Complaining about mobile phone carriers.
Making fun of British Columbians who whinge when the temperature drops below 5 degrees and when it, god forbid, snows. (northern British Columbia and the rest of Canada)
Making fun of the rest of the still-blanketed-in-snow country whilst flowers are blooming in your garden in February. (southern British Columbia)
Being casually anti-American.
Trying to see if you can tear the new polymer bills.
‘I should have called him an Honourable Asshole.’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘Mr. Speaker, […] I rise today to condemn the Conservatives for their boosterism and cheerleading of the asbestos cartel and the human misery it causes. […] Dante should have reserved a special level of hell for [these] charlatans and the fraudsters.’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘I want my Canada back!’ - Justin Trudeau, MP for Papineau
‘Rupert Murdoch is a bag of shit.’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘This is a minister who uses extreme language, who shouts and sounds like the angry troll under the bridge in 3 Billy Goats Gruff.’ - Charlie Angus, MP for Timmins-James Bay
‘It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to connect the dots’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘Who the hell uses a burner cell phone when they’re not trying to hide something? [..] Only dope dealers, and Hell’s Angels, and Tony Soprano use burner cell phones.’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘We do not want any smartass gibberish from the member for Peterborough. We have had enough of that.’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘Don’t you threaten me you little pissant.’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘The good new is I wrote ‘Fuck You Stephen Gordon’ then erased it. But I reserve the right to call you a pompous dickhead’ - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
‘Mr. Speaker, I would like to thank the member for 8 Mile for the question. […] I will simply say I am not afraid to stand and defend our party, but he is not The Real Slim Shady.’ - Dean Del Mastro, MP for Peterborough and Parliamentary Secretary
‘The Ballad of Justin and Patrick’ - Rodger Cuzner, MP for Bras d’Or—Cape Breton
‘This is such an asinine process that the Conservatives have put us in.’ - The Honourable Scott Brison, MP for Kings-Hants
“If the arse falls out of the Euro, even with primary creditor status these are uncharted territories.” - The Honourable Scott Brison, MP for Kings-Hants
‘The PM doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground’ - Ryan Cleary, MP for St. John’s South-Mount Pearl
Is the guy that stupid or is he that stupid? I know he sleeps a lot, but I didn’t realise he was also that stupid. […] It symbolises he’s an idiot and shouldn’t be sitting in parliament. […] What a dickhead, I’d say it stronger than that, but what a complete dickhead. - Peter Stoffer, MP for Sackville-Eastern Shore
‘[The BBC] told us to fuck off’ - The Honourable John Baird, MP for Ottawa West-Nepean and Minister of Foreign Affairs
I hear [my Twitter followers] say, you know, ‘Bob Rae, you’re an asshole’. […] I’m working my way and trying to represent the people and speaking in Question Period and here we have vox populi, the thoughtful man on the street, ‘you are an asshole!’. Thank you very much. I read it on my Twitter and I get up and ask a question.’ - The Honourable Bob Rae, MP for Toronto Centre and Interim Leader of the Liberal Party
“Listen, I would never judge someone who screwed their babysitter for years or knocked up their secretary, so don’t ask me to.” - Pat Martin, MP for Winnipeg Centre
It was only a matter of time.